Taylor Swift is so right about you.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
