Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
