the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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