i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I think people are normalizing furries
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize