what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
