i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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