found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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