If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Randomize