I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
