i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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