TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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