im drinking this country out of the recession.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
