The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
