my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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