Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
