She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
