we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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