I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
