I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
