Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
