she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
