i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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