hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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