I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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