I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
