Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize