also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
