He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
