You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
