she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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