He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I think people are normalizing furries
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
