i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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