My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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