Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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