so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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