I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The air taste purple.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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