The maid of honor just puked.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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