i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
