Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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