I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
