I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
