when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
