Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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