So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
where am i from again
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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