cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
