We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You're a waste of cheezeits
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
