did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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