And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
