last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
just tell him i said nine months
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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