he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
