you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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