So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
