Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
