Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
