i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
