My brain says no but my pants say off.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize