I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
