i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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