I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
