The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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