I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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