you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
