apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
