Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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