the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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